 Is there hope for those with
insecure attachment disorders?
Yes! We as a species are very resilient and the “new view of attachment
disorders” holds to:
Four Key Principles
- All children are worthy and
deserving of love, understanding, attention, emotional and cognitive guidance,
supportive encouragement, appropriate physical affection, a sense of safety in
all 4 realms: physical, cognitive, emotional, and spiritual, as well as any
basic physical growth and development needs such as a healthy shelter, food,
water, sanitation and clothing.
- All children see their
needs/wants as met from outside of them by care providers.
- When children are not
nurtured, deprived of appropriate, necessary care, especially in the midst of
ongoing physical and emotional abuse and violence, the child grows up in a
constant state of hypervigilance and stress. This chronic and constant state
of stress, in the formative years, sets up a strong neuronal pathway in the
brain (a neurophysiological feedback loop) of a fear reaction in the limbic
system (our most primitive brain, what is known as the Fight or Flight
Response) as if acutely threatened. These children react strongly, usually
unconsciously and inappropriate to the stimulus. These children once grown as
adults can react jealously, angrily and over controlling.
- This conditioned tendency
for the fight or flight response or negative neurophysiologic feedback
loop can be changed or reprogrammed.
So all ‘negative’ behavior arises
out of fear and is a reaction to an unconscious, unmet need.
Your problematic behaviors arise
out of needs you truly want met, have always wanted met, which are…
- HEALTHY LOVE – love and
acceptance that will be available not contingent on perfect behavior or same
views and not withdrawn at random or withheld most of the time.
- Trust and accept yourself
- Be able to trust some other
people that are deserving of your trust (such as a devoted, loving spouse).
Q: So how does hypnotherapy
help?
Insecure attachment starts in our formative, early childhood years when your
early programming (autopilot action and not consciously known beliefs) was
wired. Your behaviors flow naturally out of your values and beliefs, even those
beliefs not consciously known to you but held in the unconscious mind.
Hypnotherapy can help you powerfully and consistently identify problematic,
widespread beliefs in your programming that limit you from having close,
intimate, healthy relationships and rewire them. This is a more effective way to
approach it then trying to monitor your 60,000 some thoughts a day or try to
rigidly control your behavior.
Simply put, you will move out of
the limbic system (fight or flight adrenalin response) sooner and ‘beam up’ to
the prefrontal cortex (higher centers of thought) and be able to access your
newly created secure attachment wiring.
Will I have to dig up old,
horrific memories long forgotten before I can move on?
NO. Hypnotherapy doesn’t
require us to relive or relook at old, specific memories. It helps a person
learn how to put peace to old wounds and not react as if they were still
occurring or likely to reoccur.
Try the following:
Visualization:
Imagine a healthy, lovely
baby cooing and smiling and happy with all it sees.
Imagine you pick it up
lovingly and look into its innocent eyes and realize it is vulnerable, precious
and deserving of your sincere, gentle, patient, love, care and understanding.
Imagine that baby is you
and you promise to give that baby the love you always deserved. Tell the baby
you are proud that it survived. Thank the baby for enduring and that now you
will care and love it the way it always deserved. Love the baby. Love the baby.
Love the precious baby.
Imagine the baby responding
to your gentle voice and sincere intentions. Imagine the infant feeling more
safe and secure, feeling more loved. Promise the baby that you will always love
him/her and that you will protect him/her and never abandon him/her.
Imagine you put the baby
safely into your heart. Breathe in your intention to be a student of
re-parenting yourself. You can do it!
Perhaps you parented your
own children fairly well…but never extended that love to yourself and your
little one.
Perhaps the visualization
exercise was too hard for you to even do.
If you are in a physically
unsafe living situation, do not promise this to your infant inside you until the
steps toward safety for you and your little one are met. This little one inside
you has had enough empty words and dashed promises. Consider telling your little
one inside that you will work toward finding your answers to getting you both to
safety and take action to do so.
If your living situation is
emotionally unsafe, consider telling your little one that you will find your
answers toward creating emotional safety for you both and do so.
The little one inside you
is not expecting immediate quick fixes. But you may have some fences to mend
with your little one before trust can be re-established.
Care and Feeding of Your
Precious Child Inside:
When well meaning friends and family suggest that you learn to love yourself or
feel more secure in their love….it all sounds well and good but where does one
start? How does one begin to re-parent them self when safety and security was
not what you learned and feeling loving toward yourself may seem as foreign as
expecting yourself to speak a foreign language just because you want to. You can
‘re-wire your brain’ and learn the language of love for yourself and your
significant other and family. Call me. Healing can begin now….
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